Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
