if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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