sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
