Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
