omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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