peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
