I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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