If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
