Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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