we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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