she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
