you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The Olympian is in my bed
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
