So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
