He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
