My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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