Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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