You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
what day is it and did you see me today?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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