I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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