I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
