We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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