wanna go halves on a baby?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
