i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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