Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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