you guys were way drunker than both of me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
