I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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