Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We got so high we made milksteak
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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