u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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