At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
