Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
