If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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