She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
