Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
