Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
