My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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