can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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