Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
