you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
