So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I supernannyed him into submission
Drunk is a universal language darling
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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