if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
