A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I lost the right to judge tonight
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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