I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
