i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
