# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
