the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
