She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
