you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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