my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
