wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
