I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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