I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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