I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
