Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
